Because Someone Cared...

Because someone (and you know who you are and you have a new person who adores you so very much) cared enough to read and not judge. To just be. To see it for what it is... I have the (momentary and I am sure I will have moments of regretting this, but I'm doing it to try and save my sanity). Because of that, here is what is nagging me, killing me, hurting me. Here is why the anonymous comments on the other board wound more than they normally would. Here is why I hang in the balance between to love unconditionally and to rage, and scream and exact retribution... Here is what happened that weekend. I am cutting and pasting because I fear I will go insane if I have to process the words enough to type them again. I know this will probably horrify and sicken some... more of the train wreck theory. I know some will probably judge, but we were a normal family, he was a wonderful, loving man. He was my everything. He adored his children above all else... and what happened here should not have happened. On two counts. One, my daughter should have realized there are limits to lying and two, the detectives and the police station should never have gone on word. Not ever. And I am left feeling guilty, and sick that I ever met him again because he didn't deserve this. No one does. And it was our own child...

> > We "caught" her online on a Thursday night. Not a big deal, she's a kid, but she was supposed to be doing something else and we monitor internet usage here so that I know what the kids are up to because she is dramatic and can end up in messes sometimes. Anyway, Leonard blew up and was really pissed off (rightfully) because she blatantly lied to us, told us she wasn't online and then when we "saw the evidence", made up a stupid story about how she had been raped. She screamed it out and then crumpled into a ball on the floor. We were freaking stunned. And I told her she had to go to the cops, she said it had been too long (she told us 6 weeks, and then we found out from a friend that she had said 4 weeks, and then 2 months to others...and this was all in an effort to get her exboyfriend to feel sorry for her and take her back.) and I said we owed it to the community to report it. That it might stop others from being hurt. And she said she really couldn't remember when it was and that it happened in a dark parking lot by an ATM blah...blah...blah... So I forced her to go to the police. Both Leonard and I took her. We started believing the story, and he was so sick and enraged and wanting to kill someone . We were crying over this and gave them her car to check out, and she finally came up with a date. The next day they wanted her to come in and do an artist's rendition. I took her in but she couldn't come up with anything (I was beginning to doubt the whole story because something didn't "mesh" and also because she has made up huge lies, including abuse stories, in order to not have to admit a stupid little mistake in the past) so they said they wanted to "talk to her" and that I wasn't allowed in because she was age of consent ( I later found out this is not true). While this was going on my poor husband had spent the whole day looking up sex offender lists for the area, broken hearted, talking to friends that were cops etc.. An hour later the "detective" comes down and says,"We've had a turn of events..." and I thought, this is where they tell me she made it up and etc... only, that wasn't what they said... They said,"She says it was her dad...and that he was really drunk and probably won't remember it." WHAT THE FUCK? Nothing like having something like that happen to make you realize that your daughter's problems are bigger than you thought. I'm trying to keep this short, but the detective wanted to talk to Leonard and I said that I had to get her to my dad's (I knew she was lying because one, on the night she picked we had messed around and he was passed out, two, he would never do that because on some level he was frightened of her (because of the abuse allegations against us before)and he was the most moral person on earth, three, the place she said it "happened" is less than 6 feet from where my head lays at night, four, we have a dog that barks to holy hell when someone so much as hugs one of the kids (us included) five, he wasn't drunk that night and I only slept 2 hours... 6. He had never, in our life together, even forced himself on me. I couldn't believe she could do this , only I couldn't scream at her in the police station because I didn't want to make a bad situation worse. So I said I'll be back after I get a baby sitter and I will send my husband up. I wanted to puke so badly. I dropped off Nik, got a babysitter for James (after Leonard gave him to me in the station parking lot...the image of him still rips me where my heart used to be). Anyway, they didn't wait for me. He denied it. They hounded him and said they knew he did it for over an hour. They told him that she was so "descriptive" that they were going to charge him and he called me on my cell as I was driving back up. They walked in,while he was on the phone with me and took his cell so he couldn't talk to me...this beautiful, gentle loving man. I couldn't believe they were doing this to us...we were just a freaking normal family with a crazy daughter. I demanded to see the detective, he said basically,"Too bad...I've got the go ahead and" get this "kids don't lie about these things." I gave him her past history, including the case number when she accused us of abuse, the name of her counselor etc... and told him that I couldn't believe they would take the word of a liar over the word of a man who hadn't had so much as a speeding ticket in 10 years. They asked me how much he drank. I was flabbergasted. He was a normal drinker but got busted for a DUI at the age of 22. I couldn't believe this was going to send him to jail. They wouldn't let me see him so I went out and sat in the parking lot. I couldn't leave him there. Apparently, they looked into what I had said, realized they had no evidence and released him. It was over, they were also heavily liable. Typing it I still can't believe it. We went home and I left Nik with my dad, hoping (and knowing) she would recant. And she did, the next morning. She thought if she said he was drunk they would let him off... How does one do that to their DAD??? They didn't let him off and it had made the situation worse. But, at least it was over. Only my dad called the detective and he wasn't in. I told him to just take her to the station and they would call him in. He didn't. He took her on a mini vacation instead (God, I am still pissed at him for that--we were suffering) and when he stopped by to pick up her bathing suit he gave Leonard a hug and said,"I would still love you--- you're my son---even if you had done this..." and a seed was planted. Leonard believed that people would still think he was capable of that...even though the charges were pending and it looked like it would be dropped. He (Leonard) didn't want her to get in trouble for filing a false police report ( I so very much did want in trouble because I was sick of it after 7 years) and blamed himself for her lies because he was "a bad father". He was the best father, The very best. My heart broke to hear him blame himself and, at that moment, I was done with her. He had given his all, adopted her and loved her only to be kicked in the teeth again and again. He wanted her back home, and I did not. I was fed up. I was going to focus on him for once. Us...and James. Only I didn't get that chance because he killed himself at 12:38 the next day after calling me and telling me that he knew he was going to hurt me, that he didn't want to and to tell the kids how proud he was and how much he loved them. He drove to the parking lot, called, and was gone. And I still need him so badly. And I can't believe she still won't admit to mistakes, will still lie to my face and call me the crazy one. Still look for pity and sympathy with tales of how "bad off" we are...how I never cook dinner...That's why I started that blog but I am so afraid to write the whole story there because we were just a normal family of four, until this. She is under psychiatic care but it doesn't seem to help and he should still be here. And the fact that the story got out kills me. What is worse is that she got sick in December with the cysts and they told me, after a pelvic exam, that she was a virgin and they had to break it to get in... There was the fucking proof that the detectives could have used instead of killing my husband. It's all a mess, eh? I wouldn't blame you for walking away from both blogs, but this is why when anonymous thinks I should be moving on, I just can't. It sucks. In so many new ways each day. Thank you for letting me vomit all of this out. The past 6 and a half months have been hell on earth. Destroyed by my daughter, helped out by the police here in town. I hate it. When I see her cuddling on the couch with someone I hate and it... and feel sorry for him. She is so much like my mom it scares me. The ability to compartmentalize and fantasize and not live in reality.


There it is...most of it. There are minute details I left out in the interest of just getting it out. Living with this, putting it on paper, wasn't enough. The world needs to know not only how wonderful my husband was, but how he suffered those last few days, how I can say without a doubt that it wasn't depression. Why I can't just "get over it"... Why it is tough to love and be so very angry with my daughter at the same time...and why I miss him so much and why replaying those days over in my head keeps me from breathing some days... His trusting and beautiful face that day when I picked up James...and his words,"What has she accused us of now..." There are days when it really is all too much.

I don't blame a one of you for walking away. But it does happen in normal families. We were a normal family. I was a PTA mom, a businesswoman. We had dinner together every night. He coached the soccer team and liked to play Texas Hold'em...and we loved and laughed... and it will never be enough.

Over reacting...Maybe...Maybe not

This is such a crazy, weaving road to walk down. One I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy and she knows who she is.

My daughter has a new boyfriend. I know I never delved deeper into what happened last summer, but I still can't bring myself to share it here. Suffice to say, In my opinion this is not a good idea. Not when she hasn't even admitted to herself or the counselor exactly what happened last year, and what she now has to deal with. But, I digress.

He is a very nice kid. He looks like he's 28 but I've checked and he really is a senior at a local high school, is very polite, helpful, calls home when he's over here etc. He bought her tickets to a baseball game after standing 3 hours in line and a dozen roses for her birthday.

Here's my problem. It is the PDA's here in the house. One, I guess I am a prude but when I was 18 I was not laying on the couch with my boyfriend in my parents' house watching t.v. or draping myself over him. Two, she has a little brother and he's told me he doesn't like it. Three, and this is the tough one, it drives me crazy...after what we dealt with last year. Last year she told us (to get out of trouble for being on line when she wasn't supposed to, go figure) that she was raped. It ended up not being true and only something she had made up to get attention from an old boyfriend at school. We now know (after the loss of everything in my life) that it was not true because 1. She admitted to making all of it up 2. After her medical issues of December it was determined she is a virgin. 3. There is no way possible that anything could have happened on the nights she said. The mistake I made was believing her even though she has said untruths (never anything quite this bad) before. If you read this closely enough, I am drawing lines here. Lines that will show exactly why this is killing me. I hope somebody gets them and understands why that is so.

Yesterday she asked if he could come over. I was running a fever, in my jammies and just all around not feeling good. I said no, at first. They were out doing some campaigning for a local candidate. I then rethought that I didn't want her out and about, not knowing where she was. Yes, she is 18, but maturity wise she can be 10 at times. I called her back and told her fine. They came over. She didn't ask if she could make dinner, didn't do the dishes and basically laid around all day with him, goofing around while I did all that. I wish I could be as strong as I want to be but when I bring things up with her it becomes a,"Why are you so upset with my mommy?" moment and I just can't take it. Grrrrrrr.

The Overness of it All...

What do you do when there is nothing to hang onto anymore? When grief counselors can't help? When the one person who you truly needed in life is gone? What do you do then?

I kept kidding myself that it would get better, even as it got worse with each passing day. Today, I can't even type this without the pain. I need him. I just want him back. That is all.

I can't keep going at this when nothing attempted helps.