...every rule was broken, nothing was kept clean (well it was, but only because my dad stayed with her), and her immaturity became very apparent. Well, I always knew it but my dad and others did not.
She is "engaged"... she is "in love"... of course I am not supposed to know this but I do, because she is not good at living a secret life. And I am tired of it and really don't want to deal with it.
And I weep for a little girl lost, and the years we spent teaching her about actions and the regrets/reactions they can cause. The years we wasted. The husband I lost because of it. Insurmountable today. I count the days until I could easily say,"It's time for you to move on" because these actions, this indifference, this inability to understand what happened...on her part... are killing me. Slowly. To be on 200 mgs daily of Toprol, 100 of Tambocor and Diovan HCT and still show up with a blood pressure reading of 140/90 and a 120 heart rate is ridiculous and hateful and hurtful. I am trying. Yet this, this is too much. This knowing that she could "fix it". Not really fix it because fixing it would be my beloved being back next to me at night instead of so very gone. But she could admit the situation. It would, perhaps, break her at first...but I would be there. She is still mine. I still love her, but I don't like her very much right now. I haven't in a long time.
And I find myself caring even less these days... Want to throw your life away at 18? Go for it. Want to not take a scholarship to a good school and instead go to a community college to be close to a boy who, the odds are good, you won't remember the name of in 30 years? Why not. Want to destroy your mother with your indifference to her pain...and your own? Who am I to try to change that?
I am so very done. Done. Done. Done.
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9 comments:
Oh sweetheart. I feel for you so much, I cannot even say. When you're at the last straw, when you don't know what else to do, maybe tell her this? I don't know really. I only speak from experience of being a someone f--ed up teenage girl myself once. Now a woman who has many, many regrets and shame over things I did. I hear you. I really feel for you.
You've already mentioned that counseling isn't doing much for her. Is there any cause for inpatient treatment so that just maybe she could get herself to own up to what she did? What about group therapy?
Sorry, I'm sure you've probably tried everything, I just wish I could help.
Like a lot of others I have many regrets from being a teenager and so many things that I would go back and change in a heartbeat. I think eventually your daughter will reach this point, but by then so much damage will have been done and so many bridges burned.
I hear you, sweetie. I think your feelings are completely understandable in your situation. Maybe it's time for her to move on, once she's old enough. She's done quite a bit of damage in your house. Maybe it's time for her to stand on her own feet, or at least move on to another family member, if anyone will take her in.
Oh man. I'm sorry, it sounds like a really difficult situation. I hope she gets it together.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? SHE IS FUCKING ENGAGED, AND GOING ON WITH HER LIFE LIKE SHE DIDN'T DESTROY EVERYTHING AROUND HER.
Please oh please can I have permission to fly there and just beat her little ass!!!!!!
(do you know how bad i want to come there and pull a brady bunch and just hack off all her hair in the middle of the night)
sorry, don't be mad at me, but fuck she pisses me off.
i need to calm down and take a tbsp of caramel
my heart aches for you. i really don't have the words.
girls can be so wierd. i hope that she gets help. i hope that she wakes up one day and realizes the anguish that she has caused. i know that won't change a thing, but like you said, she's throwing her life away.
sometime the best thing that you can do for someone is to wash your hands of them. it's not fair, or easy or right, but sometimes you have to focus on you. that doens't mean you don't love her. all the love and help in the world cannot change some people.
I took a psych class that said that the logic center of the brain doesn't physically develop until around age 20-21---which is why teenagers are literally stupid, irrational idiots. It might not be that she won't admit it, but that it hasn't clicked in for her yet---like, she literally DOESN'T understand what she did. It might click in a few years from now, and be like a bomb going off.
Have you done therapy with her & confronted her with all of this? Does the counselor know the other side of the story (not just her version)? I'm just wondering if smacking her in the back of the head with the truth of the world would help ...
She can't continue to throw her life & yours down the drain & just think "tra la la, I'm in love and nothing else in the world matters" 18 is old enough to KNOW that her lies and actions have reverberating consequences.
I'm so sorry about all of this, I can't even imagine how hard this is on you ... I wish there was one grand idea that would solve it all, or a time machine so that you could start over.
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