I need to purge. I need to attempt to get this out of my system. I know I kind of left off my last entry without finishing it, but I'm still afraid of putting all of "that" out there.
I hate that my MIL and SIL think they "know" how I feel. Ummmm...no. No you don't. Not at all. Please don't give yourselves that much credit and please leave me alone.
I hate that my father came over today and attempted to get me to "move on". It was exactly 6 months yesterday. I am swiftly coming to the conclusion that I will ever move on. Newsflash, people who love me and "care" (yes I know they care, but I have to do this for my sanity), DROP IT. Let me be. I am not harming myself or my children. Leave me the hell alone with your opinions, and your assumptions. And your telling me what I "should" be doing. The most wonderful part of my life. My love. My mate. My best friend is gone. The man who saved me from myself is no longer here. Sorry I'm not fitting in your timeline.
I hate that I hate this house, this town, these neighbors who look at me like some oddity every time I walk out the door. Especially the one who came over to tell me all about depression and suicide. For the very last F*CKING (funny how I find it hard to swear on this, my private blog) TIME HE. WAS. NOT. DEPRESSED. and yet I cannot tell the whole story to people like that, because then would come the judgement against my daughter and I don't really want that either.
I hate that my daughter is almost 18 and can't seem to make a single decision for herself, even though we didn't really coddle her. I hate that she can get in my face over a Scholar's Day at her university of choice because I made her go even though she was tired...UM...HELLO?!? Grow the hell up already. They are offering you a full scholarship for showing up dudette. My mouth is freaking killing me and I don't want to do this either, but it's your shot at your future. If you can't do it for yourself, or for me...do it for your father, the one who was so proud of your academic accomplishments... and, Fates forgive me, the one you kicked in the teeth time and again with your stubborness... the one your actions, it cannot be denied, literally destroyed. No, it was his decision...but if that ball hadn't been started because you couldn't admit a mistake to us... OH screw it.... I just hate this.
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4 comments:
I'm so sorry that your in-laws won't let you grieve your own way. You have to get through it on your terms.
I think purging helps too. It gets it out of your system. And doing it here keeps it aimed away from other people.
I think about you. Take care.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think that I am reading that your husband committed suicide? I'm sorry if I mis-understood if this is not the case. My father did the same thing. It is very difficult to deal with....and I'm just so sorry. I felt like couldn't talk to anyone about it, it's not the same as any other kind of death. I know losing your father is NOT the same as losing your spouse so I don't know how you feel, but I'm here, and reading, and have been through some of the same f'd up issues. Hang in there. I will say, that you WILL get through this....but in your own time. Everyone else can stick their own timelines where the sun don't shine. They want you to move on, so they don't feel so awkward around you, at least that's how it was for me. hugs to you.
Laura--
May your comment on my blog today serve as hope for you. As you question why this had to happen to you and why you are forced to soldier on, know that at some point in your future, you are going to be able to help someone else who is grieving. Nearly a year after I lost my boyfriend, a great friend of mine lost her sister. She returned to class a week later and I asked her to go to lunch after a class we shared so I could check on her. She confided in me at lunch that she thought she was losing her mind because every article of clothing she had on belonged to her sister. I knew in that moment that part of the reason I had been through what I went through was so that I could tell my friend in that moment that she was not crazy. I firmly believe the same will happen for you.
I also hope it will give you a glimmer of hope to know that the first year was consistently the hardest for me. Something about the anticipation and horrible reality of every first anniversary was excruciating. Once that one year anniversary passed, I had the confidence of knowing that I had made it through one of everything. The pain never gets better, but it does get easier to bear. I promise.
Hold firm to your right to grieve in the way that you need to grieve in spite of your in-laws. And continue doing the best you can for your daughter. The rest is up to her.
Oh, I'm sorry that everyone is being so wretched. I hope things get better, I'll be thinking of you. We neighbors have to be there for one another!
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