This is such a crazy, weaving road to walk down. One I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy and she knows who she is.
My daughter has a new boyfriend. I know I never delved deeper into what happened last summer, but I still can't bring myself to share it here. Suffice to say, In my opinion this is not a good idea. Not when she hasn't even admitted to herself or the counselor exactly what happened last year, and what she now has to deal with. But, I digress.
He is a very nice kid. He looks like he's 28 but I've checked and he really is a senior at a local high school, is very polite, helpful, calls home when he's over here etc. He bought her tickets to a baseball game after standing 3 hours in line and a dozen roses for her birthday.
Here's my problem. It is the PDA's here in the house. One, I guess I am a prude but when I was 18 I was not laying on the couch with my boyfriend in my parents' house watching t.v. or draping myself over him. Two, she has a little brother and he's told me he doesn't like it. Three, and this is the tough one, it drives me crazy...after what we dealt with last year. Last year she told us (to get out of trouble for being on line when she wasn't supposed to, go figure) that she was raped. It ended up not being true and only something she had made up to get attention from an old boyfriend at school. We now know (after the loss of everything in my life) that it was not true because 1. She admitted to making all of it up 2. After her medical issues of December it was determined she is a virgin. 3. There is no way possible that anything could have happened on the nights she said. The mistake I made was believing her even though she has said untruths (never anything quite this bad) before. If you read this closely enough, I am drawing lines here. Lines that will show exactly why this is killing me. I hope somebody gets them and understands why that is so.
Yesterday she asked if he could come over. I was running a fever, in my jammies and just all around not feeling good. I said no, at first. They were out doing some campaigning for a local candidate. I then rethought that I didn't want her out and about, not knowing where she was. Yes, she is 18, but maturity wise she can be 10 at times. I called her back and told her fine. They came over. She didn't ask if she could make dinner, didn't do the dishes and basically laid around all day with him, goofing around while I did all that. I wish I could be as strong as I want to be but when I bring things up with her it becomes a,"Why are you so upset with my mommy?" moment and I just can't take it. Grrrrrrr.
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4 comments:
I'm going to seize on a detail that catches my attention, and it's the part about believing a child who claims to have been abused. This happened in the family of a co-worker of mine a long time ago, and ever since then I've been worried it would happen in mine.
Here is the conclusion I've come to: even though we know children do sometimes lie, the child in this situation MUST be believed, and the accusation MUST be acted on. The adult involved, if it turns out to be a false accusation, has to be the one to suffer, because the alternative (a truthful child NOT being believed) is so very, very much worse, and because an adult is capable of understanding that this is the case.
And so if it is any comfort at all, in my opinion you were 100% correct to believe her and act on it, even though it later turned out not to be true (just as it happened in my co-worker's family). You HAD to. You HAD to take your daughter at her word, whatever the consequences---and the innocent party must have known that, too.
And Constance is right, of course. We suspected something like this might have been happening with a member of our family, and we just separated ourselves from that person and made sure the child was never alone with him again. But it is the kind of thing that cannot be ignored.
I'm going to be the second to weigh in and say that Constance is right. You did what you had to do - you believed your daughter. And had no other course of action in the matter - you just had to believe her and act on what she told you.
I can see where the current situation would do all sorts of pushing your buttons. I don't have any great input on that - I would say maybe set house rules or something, but that seems a little cliche. But I hope that it gets to a point that you both are accepting of - having that at home can't be easy, especially on top of everything else...
I just want you to know I'm so sorry.
I read a bunch of your posts at your other blog. My heart is breaking for you having lost so much.
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